For those who struggle with medical terminology, and I am a drum major in that parade, there's good news this month from ASCRS. The Society has finally done something about constructing a useful substitute for presbyopia.

The word of course, derives from the Greek "presby" (your arms too short) and "opia" (to read that). I happen to know this from a long-standing interest in ancient languages and nearly ancient Broadway musicals. For comparison, I refer you to "presbypugitheism," which was the subject of the hit 1970s play, Your Arms Too Short to Box with God. Most patients, however, do not share my educational background and interests.

That's why ASCRS recruited Inter-brand Health to assist in development of a patient-friendly term for presbyopia. The company has successfully named dozens of widely known products in medicine, including Viagra, Prozac and Propecia as well as ophthalmology's own Systane, Zymar, Lumigan and others.

Their branding solution, announced by ASCRS last month, to the presbyopia challenge: Age-Related Focus Dysfunc-tion. These people clearly are the naming and branding experts, and I stand in awe of their skill. In the age of the "wardrobe malfunction," and probably staffed by people who grew up singing along to "Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function," Interbrand has nailed it again.

Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I am prepared to pay them the highest of compliments (that is, without paying them anything they can actually spend) and apply their formula to several news events and other trends that have thus far defeated the challenge of a handy descriptor.

That antsy, restless feeling that plagues you at the end of every week? Now to be known as a Friday-Related Production Dysfunction.

The poor, overwrought JetBlue guy who surrendered to the urge to grab a couple beers, pop the escape chute and slide away from his 26-year career as a flight attendant? Stress-Related Exit-Strategy Dysfunction, none other.

The ethics charges dogging House of Representatives members Maxine Waters and Charlie Rangel? Obvious cases of Finance-Related Compunction Dysfunction.

If like me, you benefited from a parochial school education as a youngster, you can only pray that when the day of your Ultimate Malfunction arrives, you don't suffer an Expiration-Related Extreme-Unction Dysfunction.

Now that this problem is solved, I wish ASCRS well in their ongoing efforts to do what they do best: forestall any further Medicare-Related Reimbursement Dysfunction.